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The · Confused · Thoughts · of · a · Wayward · Student
Wanna Play?
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Ok, so now I'm going crazy, very anxious and distressed. I'm seriously in debt and I desperately need a job, but I'm worried because I don't know if I can get anything. I would like to have a job before December so I may be able to start getting myself back together and moving on in my life. Ontop of which I and going nuts with stories in my head, really need to write. I started writing last night and couldn't get my mind to stop racing like crazy so I could sleep and didn't do so well. So I didn't get enough sleep worrying about finding a job and full of writing that won't stop. I'm needing to fill out apps for a job today and I'm desperately anxious about work. I've already been turned down for 2 jobs. I also need to find some sort of release of my tension I'm so tense, I HATE looking for work and am desperately hoping that I'll be somewhere long enough to save money. I really need to get things going, besides that I'm still doing good and hope everyone else is good too. btw HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!!!!
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 anxious | |
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I'm going crazy! My mind is just full of stuff and I don't know where to start to clear it out. I'm happy I just feel like there is a million things to do. Trying to make a home for myself and settle down into something better than what I was. Trying to be patient and understanding when I just feel like running and screaming and make everything I want to happen happen now. And I want to stop worrying about everything,and trust my instincts. I want to have faith in people again, sometimes I just don't seem to have that kind of faith much anymore. But I keep trying to believe in people again and trust them to be honest with me. I seem to have trust issues now worse than ever. Likely the divorce, it may have soured me some. But I'm happy right now so all these concerns are not too important yet. So things are so good.
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 amused | |
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I haven't done anything today nor do I have any plans, it was a busy week so taking a break today is a good thing. So not much is happening today at the moment I'm watching Edward Scissorhands with Z and his brother, haven't watched it for a very long time. But I still love it, someday I'll have a copy of it, lol. It is such a fun movie and Z has never seen the whole thing so he's curious, I hope he likes it. But he's also running dungeons and raids on wow, so I don't know how much he'll actually watch. Man I miss playing wow so much, it's all hallows end and I wanted to kill the headless horseman. Ah well when I have work I'll be able to play again. But until then i'll just occupy myself in other ways with my other interests. Just every once in awhile I get somewhat frustrated that I can't play when I want to. On the good side though it has made me break off the addiction and start to live again. So all is good and I'm happy.
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cheerful | |
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Sorry it has been a bit busy the last couple days. The Smithsonian and national monuments, getting new glasses, checking out a hobby store and trying not to go crazy. I am doing good and feeling happy, glad to have been a little busy and sorry that it is over for now. I've also been trying not to have nightmares and worrying about jobs. Aside from any bad things, I'm doing well. I'm loving the rain, we've had rain steady all day and wind. I just need to post more stories and try to stay upbeat. I can't afford to be feeling down, considering my situation. I'm missing my friends and family like crazy and kind of feel like my intelligence is decreasing cause most of the people I've been around are kind of pathetic. Not all of them, but certainly some. I think I need to be in school again. Hehe, so what else is new, I should always be in school, I crave it like crazy. ah well that's what's been up lately.
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 bouncy | |
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I'm happy again, I just had a fun day and am going to have a fun week. Today Z took me to a place called Highrock, from there you can see all over the place, it is so awesome. We hung out up there, climbed around on rocks and took some pictures. Finally there are motre pictures of me for the friends that have been pestering me about pics. Tomorrow I get to go get an eye exam and NEW GLASSES!!!!!! About time! Unfortunately the actual frame of my glasses broke unexpectedly on Sat. so now Z's mother has to pay for the exam and the new glasses and frames, but I'll pay her back when I get work. I hate having to rely on her and her needing to pay for it, but I have to admit I am excited about getting new glasses that won't give me headaches. I'll take some pics for that too I think, my pics for Highrock are on myspace and Facebook. I'm super excited about Weds though, Z is going to take me to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History in DC, so I'll get my first glimpse of the capitol city and get to go to a museum for the first time ever! We'll take pics there too I imagine, soooo excited. No plans for thurs, but Fri Z's mom and sisters are taking me to a big hobby store, I think it just opened so that's exciting too. No plans for the weekend, but we'll see. keep our fingers crossed. So things are good right now.
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excited | |
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I finally got my Ims up and running again, I can now log onto myspace, msn and aim again, I just downloaded trillian, so now I have even more ims I can have a profile on, lol. Everyone keeps telling me I should be online more so I guess I'll give it a shot and hope no on crazy attatches to me. so Mith and Blkl you can both talk to me via Im if you like. Hopefully i won't get overwhelmed, I really am trying to improve my communication skills, I'm tired of losing touch with people, it makes me all sad. Just like now I'm trying to fix my relationship with my sister. I like having people to talk to and this is a life changing thing I am doing. Nothing is the same anymore, it's all changed and now I need to change some with it or I'll not move forward. Tired of being in limbo and being sad,time to grow with my suroundings, lol. So I'm trying and I'm hoping it works.
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 accomplished | |
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Today has been a good day, I didn't sleep well last night but when I woke up it turned out to be a lovely day. I had fun visiting and discussing dreams and things I wanted to do, now that I am here and after I get a job. Of course everything requires money, but once I start working I'll be able to plan more and that is very exciting. I try not to worry so much because I always have and I want to stop, life is so much more fun when you aren't worrying all the time. I've always worried and I think things need to change. I'm trying once again to fix my relationship with my sister. I must admit, I have never really given her a chance, so that also has to change. I really want to improve my relationship with both my siblings, so this really is like starting over in a new life with me. I have high hopes, now I just need to talk to my brother now, lol.
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happy | |
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How does one get out of emotional distress when there is no beneficial result from having it? Some days I feel like my emotion is overwhelming my ability to think and be around people. I go from happy and excitable to frustrated and depressive so fast I barely realize what's happening. But I don't feel like I can share it, so I dive deeper into myself, only to find more hurt there, trying to drown out what little joys I do have. I don't feel sad today just feeling as though my emotions are on the edge of my thoughts. Rough emotional edges, probably not a good thing, but I can't seem to stop being emotional. Gah! I think too much, how do I stop thinking long enough to get everything under control so I don't have these build ups. I'm tearing myself apart again with analyzation and emotional unsteadiness. Why is it I never just play on this journal, everything is so serious? Oh well it dosen't really matter, I'm just putting my thoughts down, can't really help it if they are serious, I guess I don't have any fun thoughts anymore. I'm just taking myself to seriously.
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 listless | |
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Okay now I feel like I may be actually starting to get something done. I hope so I'm so tired of being in what feels like limbo. This always happens when people move I think, I know I'll be alot happier when I find work and start putting things together. I hate being idle for too long, far to used to working and having money to do things with. Even if I don't make much, just having a little money would be very nice, I could be able to provide gas money, start saving for my own place, pay my phone bill. Not to mention being able to go places and pay off my wow account again. I want to be active again and want to make friends out here instead of borrowing Z's and helping my friends and family to maybe come out and visit me or for me to visit them. I just don't want to be in limbo anymore. I also want to write more, so much. As I often say, lol. Just need to do it.
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 hopeful | |
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I am a little bummed today, seems some of the patience of a few of my friends has come to an end and they no longer wish to deal with me. Can't say that I blame them I guess, I really do drive people nuts and try everyone's patience. I don't mean too, I'm just hard to get along with, oh and btw Mith and blackletter, my phone is currently suspended. I'll be trying to get it back as soon as I can and keep you updated. That also added to my being bummed today. I mean my WoW account is frozen and now I've lost my phone, lol, my ability to communicate with the people I care about just got lessoned and that really sucks. Ah well such is life when one isn't working yet. Hope everyone is doing well, laters.
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 disappointed | |
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Hello everyone, been a very long time, yes this I know and I apologize. I keep trying to improve I just haven't had much luck. Someday I'll get better, alot has happened in my life since my last post and I feel very overwhelmed by it. It should please everyone to know that I'm doing good and have been happier lately than I have in recent history. Queensuki Check the comments on my last post to get the answer to your question from so long ago. I haven't checked lj in a very long time and I feel bad about that since my closest friends post more here than anywhere else. I hope everyone is doing well and hope you are all in good health and spirits. It's raining here, yay now I know rain is not a myth hehe, so natually this makes me very happy. Love ya all
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cheerful | |
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You ever get the feeling that maybe you aren't really alive and maybe you just are dreaming that you alive? But then don't you have to be alive to dream? sometimes I wonder about my life, it seems very small, not bad, just small. I have this small group of friends and a small amount of lovers and I do small things. My life seems to be stuck in some kind of strange limbo, like I have interests, but no interests that I share with anyone anymore. I dunno, I feel isolated somehow and lost. I'm on a path to somewhere, but I don't know where. I know this is a path but I don't know where I'll end up at. I'm sure it will lead to a good place, I just need to beleive it will. I will be truly happy again one day, I know it.
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 confused | |
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Hiya, haven't been around for awhile, life's been a busy thing for me. Starting school, working, well you all don't really need the details. I just been busy and I've not really been online much. I just wanted to give everyone a heads up. I'm doing pretty well, haven't been writing as much as I should be, bad me. Not happy with myself for that.
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drained | |
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Sometimes frustration just won't go away, you try and try and it won't leave you alone. A neverending frustration seems to be afflicting me and I think it's getting worse. It's so strange, for a long while I was just very depressed, but I'm not feeling depressed lately just frustrated bordering on flat angry. I don't like it any better than being depressed. I want to yell and scream and throw things, in essence I want to have a temper tantrum, lol. I feel like such a child, but I'm also feeling paralyzed. I just want to be in control of something that's going on in my life. cause right now, I'm in charge of nothing, just being pushed along in the stream of things that are happening around me. or so it feels like. something's gotta give, something just has too and gawd do I hope it gives soon, I'm going crazy.
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 cranky | |
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Sorry all it has been quite a while since I've written anything. My life has been something a little crazy for awhile. I'm looking for a job and going through a rather difficult time personally. But i wanted to check up with all my friends here. Things may be starting to turn around for me and 2009 is holding a sort of promise of major changes mostly good ones. the weird thing was several months ago I gave myself a reading and it spoke of many changes, positive ones. I didn't really give it much thought but in light of all that's been happening I'm beginning to wonder. I've been wondering about alot lately and my mind seems to be in a constant state of thinking, it's almost exhausting really. Actually it is exhausting. i guess life is feeling very strange to me lately.
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 contemplative | |
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HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!! Hope it's an absolutely wonderful day for all.
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happy | |
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY QUEENSUKI!!!!!!!! You know I love ya, you have fun and take care. Luv,
Bree
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excited | |
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And so it begins, the first day of my new life. I feel at peace and I feel a little more relaxed. Though this pleasantness is riddled with sorrow and excitement. The next few weeks or months rather are going to be very emotional and confusing. I feel though that in the end I will be better for it, my soul has been lost for so long, there has been so much pain and anger. it is a tragedy that this has to happen, but sometimes there must be tragedy in order to achieve freedom and joy. This is just the first day and I am at a loss with the chaos of emotion that I feel. I am already feeling better, but it comes at a hefty price for me. And I am afraid, worried that it won't work, worried that this is wrong and will mark me as a horrible person. I have no choice I must find a way to be who I am again, I've hidden for such a long time, supressed the best of me. I've pushed people away and I've lain with anger, resentment, and yes even hate. Fed by despair and lost in the darkest shadows of the cruelest emotions and thoughts, buried in disgust, these are what has been keeping me company. It is a terrible thing to lose control like this, to lose oneself in horror, no one to blame but myself, I have formed a beautiful and terrible cage about myself. Can you belive it this cage was formed to protect me and I let it take me over. So you see, this has to work or I will be lost forever. I will be working towards this goal, towards where the light is, the faded sparkle of what I once was. And so this journey begins...
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 determined | |
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I have written the first 2 paragraphs of my first hardcore science fiction book. It is something I'm writing with my dad, it's interesting to be writing a story like this when all the other stories I'm writing are fantasy. Who knew i could do that, hopefully this will continue me with writing after so long of not writing. All I can say about this book is that it certainly grabs your attention in the first paragraph. I seem to have been the one to start a small collection of stories, maybe I make a good story starter. Dad and I have been researching and talking for months and I have finally started. I just didn't expect the beginning to be mine, it made me nervous. This is very complicated, it is hard for me to write something that seems so alien to me, no magic or fantasy, hard science. something I've never been good at, it's a good thing Dad is better at it then me, but even he is reeling with the complications we have arranged. Anyways it has been started and I'm all excited about it.
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excited | |
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So my life is a complete mess these days, I'm trying to figure out how to get through all the numerous issues with trying to get to school and find myself at a loss as to how and very confused. It is my own fault of course for allowing myself to be so easily distracted by all the fun useless things I can do. Summer is back and everything is very hot as is usual in the desert. So along with being distracted I'm also hot and not sleeping well again. Seems as though every summer down here is a time of no sleep. I'm not really unhappy, I'm just tired all the time and frustrated with myself and my forgetfulness and my scatter brained distractions. I couldn't finish my fafsa and so I created a new pin and then, low and behold i go and forget it so i still can't use it. if my sister knew i'd never hear the end of it. But then I'm always upsetting or letting down my family. Sometimes I feel that I will never be any good to them, I feel so emotionally drained and trapped.
I feel like I'm being held prisoner by everyone else's expectations of me, my family especially, and everything I've ever been taught. I want to run away, leave this life behind me and start over. If only I could. I want to be in control again, I feel like I've lost control of everything, my life, my emotions, everything. I'm just lost, don't worry about me. |
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